In case anyone cared enough to wonder.
Those of us who are dissatisfied with or lives or our selves often fantasize, non-sexually, about how things could be better. This doesn’t just apply to trans* people, but anyone. I’ve about being many things: a character from a video game our even IN a video game; a force of nature, human in appearance but immortal, invulnerable, and powerfully magical; a child, lost, alone, and vulnerable (until kind strangers come to my aid); I’ve even fantasized about being violently transformed, sometimes painlessly, sometimes not, but usually publicly. However, a common thread runs through those fantasies: in each one, I’m female, or I’m transformed into a female. I think that’s pretty telling.
Today has been an interesting day. First, I finally broke down my internal barriers and contacted a therapist to possibly set up an appointment, so that’s good. I was given a deadline to find my own place to live, but it’s not until May first, so that’s good. And I got my new glasses today, three days before the estimated date they would be ready. So all in all, a somewhat good day.
It’s been a month since I posted anything. I really have nothing new to say. I came out to some longtime offline friends that I now live too far away from to see in person. I’ve been spending time in a transgender chat room. I’ve been trying to eat healthier and lose some weight. I may be getting a new job soon, but that’s still up in the air.
The other day, I sent my mother a message on Facebook. I said, “what would you have named me if I had been born a girl?” She replied back “Kristine” which is what I plan to change my name to, so I asked her about middle name, expecting some “J” name, but instead it was “Rose” which is her middle name, as well as her mother’s. I found that middle name odd, because all of us kids have names that start with “K” and middle names that start with “J”, except my youngest brother who has a different father, his middle name is his father’s, which starts with “E”.
Anyway, she didn’t reply until today, and I was at work, so I really didn’t want to come out to her via Facebook message and/or while at work. So I asked her if her phone was working again and asked her to make sure I had her phone number, and then as I was getting ready to drive home I called her and came out.
I was a lot calmer than when I came out to my Dad and stepmother, and I’m not sure why. I had no script to go by like I did with them, I just, said it. And it felt great. But what felt even better was her response. “I don’t care if you’re my son or daughter, as long as you’re happy.” That specific phrasing? That, I think, was the best thing I could have heard.
She did say that her first guess as to the “why” for the question about my name, was that I’m transgender. So there’s that. I just feel REALLY good about how it went. I talked with her for half the drive home, until I approached an area where cell reception cuts out, so we said goodbye before the call dropped.
Since I last blogged about my own transition experiences, a few things have happened that wouldn’t warrant a post on their own. First, I’ve started wearing some feminine clothing, though discreetly (where no one can see them if they see me). It helps, a little. Spent some time in a chat room on Steam, made some more internet friends, people like me in all stages of transition. And I came out to my brother, we talked about it, he didn’t really seem to have much to say about it. He did say that he thought our mother would be accepting of my being transgender. I haven’t told her yet.
Hmm, this barely qualifies as a blog post as it is… I just wish I had more to say, more to talk about, but there’s really nothing going on in this arena. Certainly a lot less than I would like there to be.